Chapter 12

June looked at the clock. It was nearly time to start her workday, but she felt restless, unsettled. She needed to do something more. Setting the friendship boundary had been a significant step, but it wasn’t enough. She needed to examine the data, to understand how things had spiraled out of control. She started combing through old texts and emails again, her mind racing.

The data, she thought. The data will tell the story.

She scrolled through years of messages between her and Donna, looking for patterns, for signs of when things had shifted from friendship to something more. As she did, she began to notice the subtle ways Donna had crossed lines, the moments when a playful flirtation had turned into something deeper, more charged. And how, time and again, June had been complicit, allowing it to happen, never fully shutting it down.

But she had tried. The 2016 "Reframing" email had been her first attempt to set a boundary, and now she was trying again. The difference this time, June told herself, was that she was stronger now. She had more clarity, more resolve.

Yet, deep down, a part of her still wondered: Was that enough? Would it ever be enough with Donna?

She would find out soon enough.

June read through the reframing email exchanges again and again, calming her nerves by focusing on the data.  The data was the truth, the reality, and there was comfort in that.

From Donna, June 13, 2016, 9:28 AM – Reframing

Hi June,

Knowing that I needed to work through this quickly before guilt and self-deprecation consumed me, I've spent many hours and sleepless nights processing our relationship.

A major reframing has taken place. I’ve walked through it, trying to see things from your perspective without letting my personal emotions get in the way. Wow…this must have been such a strange experience for you! I went back over our past communications, imagining myself as the recipient instead of the sender, and honestly? They freaked me out. They're obsessive, way too deep, and overly focused on the emotional side of physical intimacy. I take full responsibility for this distortion.

I said things that should never have been shared, and a lot of it should never have even been thought. I allowed my mind to run wild, unchecked, focusing solely on physical desires. That was wrong of me, and incredibly out of proportion. I repeatedly pushed aside logical reasoning because deep down I knew it would alter the situation, and my primal mind didn’t want that. I take full accountability, and I am deeply sorry.

I rushed this beautiful friendship we could have had. Instead of nurturing it and letting it evolve naturally, I drowned it. I emotionally vomited all over it, spewing raw, unfiltered, unprocessed, and illogical thoughts. I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming that must have been for you. I ignored your continuous requests for balance, and for that, I am so, so sorry. I was disrespectful, and I am ashamed.

Now that I’ve stepped back, I’m shocked at my own behavior. It’s so uncharacteristic of me, so embarrassing, so selfish. I completely bypassed the normal, exciting process of getting to know someone, developing a deeper relationship, and letting the friendship grow naturally. This is something I will have to live with, but I’m working on forgiving myself (which is a struggle, but I’ll get there).

I don’t regret anything that was said, written, or done, except for causing you emotional pain. Everything I shared was genuine at the time, but heavily distorted. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, so I ask for your forgiveness if you’re able to offer it.

Thank you for broadening my thinking and for all the “firsts.” I will cherish the memories of the good times we had, those that weren’t overshadowed by my dysfunction. I experienced so much in a condensed timeframe—my mind is forever broadened, my thinking forever changed. You gave me a great awakening, a sense of freedom from things I had imprisoned within myself. I’m so grateful for that.

In my desire to connect "as one," to share every thought with you, I forgot something important: I am okay on my own. I am complete. I don’t need another person “in my head” with me—I am more than enough. I love myself, including all my quirks. I’ve come to realize it’s okay to be me.

None of this changes the love I have for you as a person and a special friend. I still love you, but in a much healthier, more balanced way. I hope that makes sense.

Here’s a quote that really touched me:

"Don’t rush love. It will come, and it will find you. It might not be at the time you want, but it will come at the exact moment you are ready. Sometimes we get so busy trying to find someone to complete us, we forget we are already whole. Love yourself first, so you never need someone else to love you. Always be grateful for the love that comes your way, even if it doesn’t stay forever. Let go of love gracefully, never let it cause hate or bitterness. Take it in, give it out, and accept how people offer it. And remember: the people in your life won’t be here forever. Spend time with them today. Tell them you love them, but more importantly, show them that you do."

—Jessica Jensen

I admire you more now than ever before. You are truly an amazing person! I would cherish the opportunity to cultivate a special friendship with you from a healthier perspective this time.

With love, revelations, and best intentions,

Donna

P.S. Please let me know that you’ve received and read this email. It’s important to me. Thanks!

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To Donna, June 13, 2016, 10:16 AM – RE: Reframing

Hi Donna,

I’ve read this quickly, but I need some time to process everything. I really appreciate the space you’ve given me over the past week. I’m looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. Kati mentioned a get-together, right?

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To Donna, June 14, 2016, 12:11 PM – RE: Reframing

Thank you for your acknowledgments and apologies—I accept them, and I offer my own. I played my part by allowing things to cross boundaries too soon and saying things I thought you needed or wanted to hear, instead of being completely honest upfront. I tried too hard to be what you wanted, making excuses to myself for things that didn’t feel right.

All the “as one” and “breathing my breath” stuff? It creeped me out from the start. It didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t about me. It was never going to go anywhere. I’m sorry for letting it start and for letting it continue so long. In the beginning, I thought maybe I needed or wanted that, but it never felt right. I can see how my sudden 180 might have hurt and confused you. For that, I apologize.

I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and one thing is clear—I don’t think it’s a good idea to augment my romantic relationship, at least not with such demanding family and career responsibilities. I don’t have the energy to commit to that kind of engagement. I realize now that I’ve been subconsciously entertaining the idea for a while, even before Beer Planet, which is why that whole “who’s hot at Everland” conversation came up. I need more close friendships, more time to myself, more fun. But none of it needs to be romantic or obsessive. I can’t encourage that just because it feels good to be wanted.

I loved your quote—it sounds a lot like what I learned before Hadrian and I became romantically involved. It all happened naturally, just as I wasn’t looking for it. We have our struggles, but I know he’s my “it.” His willingness to let me experiment outside our marriage is just another example of how wise and generous he is with my curious and independent spirit. When you truly love someone, you risk letting them go, and that’s absolutely true. No one can be kept or made to love someone else.

Another thing I’ve learned is that while I appreciate the beauty of a woman, I’m not naturally romantically attracted to women. I can “get into it,” but it’s not a natural pull for me, which seems to be the opposite of your experience. I assume that’s one of the things I may have opened your mind to.

I still consider you very special—you truly fascinate me. I hope we can stay lifelong friends. I know it’s painful right now, but I want to be clear that I don’t ever see myself being romantically attracted to you. Trying to force that just didn’t feel right. You feel more like a sister to me, which, in my mind, is very special. I hope you value that type of love enough to continue a friendship with me, but I understand if it’s too much to deal with right now.

Let me know how you feel about tomorrow’s happy hour. Are we good to go, or should I bow out? I’m okay with whatever you need, just want to be considerate.

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From Donna, June 14, 2016, 1:20 PM – RE: Reframing

Thank you so much for your honesty, explanations, and learnings! It’s truly helping me resolve some lingering contradictions. I’m so grateful that you took the time to share all of that—it shows me how much you care.

I’d love to have a sister-type friendship with you. There’s something about you that I still don’t fully understand, but it feels special. Here’s my weirdness showing through: I think I’m drawn to you because I totally cannot “feel” you. That’s really calming to me. I find it easy to be around you—not romantically—but just to talk or hang out. There’s no “interference” in my head, and that’s incredibly refreshing.

I definitely want you to come to happy hour tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be a little emotional for me, but I need this to happen. I’ll be fine, seriously. Totally cool, 100% sure. Thank you for asking.

I’m so proud that we could work through this and move forward. I’m not sure many people would be able to do this. We are truly amazing women! (Okay, that sounded a bit conceited, but it’s true!)

Thanks again for everything!

See you tomorrow night!

Donna

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To Donna, June 14, 2016, 6:20 PM – RE: Reframing

We are amazing, damn straight. Looking forward to tomorrow!

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To Donna, March 3, 2022, 6:56 AM – RE: Reframing

Hi Donna,

As part of my reflection, I went back and re-read some of our past emails, and this particular one gave me peace. I realize that I tried to set this boundary early on—it’s truly how I feel, and I’m determined to vigilantly protect it moving forward. Over time, I expect that things will normalize and that the need for vigilance will gradually lessen, or even disappear altogether.

I slept much better last night and feel a sense of calm that I haven’t had in over a week. I really believe everything will be okay. Thank you for the conversation last night. I genuinely enjoy spending time with you and look forward to continuing to build our special friendship in healthy ways.

Love you, my friend. :)

June

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June reflected on the past six years. Six years had passed since the original attempt at friendship, and here she was, still trying to maintain that friendship with Donna. She sighed and re-read the email she had sent Donna about the cold hands situation, trying to make sense of it all.

To Donna, March 3, 2022, 9:09 AM – Boundaries: Testing Them?

Hi Donna,

I’ve been reflecting on last night, and I want to be transparent about something. When you placed your cold hand on mine and then said, “I’m not trying to hold your hand,” it felt strange. I don’t know if it was intentional, but it left me wondering if you might already be testing the boundaries we’ve set.

In the spirit of open communication, I just wanted to call it out and share my thoughts. As I mentioned before, I’m committed to protecting this boundary, and I’ll be vigilant about anything that feels like a test or overstep. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.

With love,

June

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June had felt a sense of relief wash over her earlier, when she had hit send. It was done. No takesies backsies now! She had just added the first fortification to the boundary she’d set the week prior. It was a crucial step in reaffirming her commitment to her decision, one she hoped would finally allow her some peace. But even with that small victory, there was still a lingering unease.

She stared at the screen for a few more moments after hitting send. She didn't want to accuse Donna of anything, but she also didn't want to leave any room for ambiguity. The boundary needed to hold firm, or they would end up right back where they had started.

You say you love me, I say you crazy

We're nothing more than friends

You're not my lover, more like a brother

I known you since we were like ten, yeah

Don't mess it up, talking that shit

Only gonna push me away, that's it

When you say you love me, that make me crazy

Here we go again

Don't go look at me with that look in your eye

You really ain't going away without a fight

You can't be reasoned with, I'm done being polite

I've told you one, two, three, four, five, six thousand times

Haven't I made it obvious?

Haven't I made it clear?

Want me to spell it out for you?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

That's how you fucking spell "friends"

Have you got no shame? You looking insane

Turning up at my door

It's two in the morning, the rain is pouring

Haven't we been here before?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Get that shit inside your head

No, no, yeah, uh, ah

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

We're just friends

Friends by Anne-Marie and Marshmello