Chapter 27

Despite her disappointment in Hadrian, June slept really well that night and woke up feeling grounded. She took True for a walk by herself in the morning since Evelyn didn’t want to join, opting to watch a science video instead. June figured both activities were beneficial, and she didn’t want to force Evelyn to exercise, fearing it might make her resent it. So, she let it go.

Reflecting on the previous night, June tucked in each of her children and decided to continue “tucking in” Elizabeth. Although Elizabeth was getting older, she still needed “talk time” with her mom. June realized she just needed to adapt to Elizabeth’s changing needs as she grew. Instead of abandoning the tradition, June decided to focus more on recapping the day, helping Elizabeth find closure on anything that happened or wanted to be discussed. She saw it as a way to provide Elizabeth with a consistent opportunity to connect.

When June tucked in Elizabeth the previous night, she noticed some positive changes. Elizabeth was listening to happier music instead of her usual hard-core "horror" electronic tunes. She was singing along and, though she claimed to sing badly, June reassured her that she wasn’t a bad singer. Elizabeth entertained herself by poking tiny holes in the tops of plastic water bottles and squirting the water into her mouth, and June chuckled at her antics. Elizabeth then started saying, “Waaah, waah, I’m a baby.” June knew Elizabeth was jealous of the attention Evelyn got for being the youngest and still receiving "babying" attention. Despite acting like she was too big for it, June felt that Elizabeth still craved that kind of attention.

In response, June reminisced about how wonderful Elizabeth had been as a baby—so smart, independent, and spirited from birth. Elizabeth play-acted the story June had told her about attending Montessori school, where she was the youngest in her class but the most consistent in answering the teacher’s questions correctly, to everyone’s surprise. June smiled and shared that while Elizabeth wasn’t a cuddly baby, when she did cuddle, it was cherished. Elizabeth commented that not everyone liked to cuddle, and June agreed, affirming that everyone is different, and that’s okay.

They chatted about various things, with Elizabeth sharing stories about her friends at school. They connected deeply during their talk. When June said she was tired and needed to go to bed, Elizabeth gently placed her hand on June’s cheek and pushed her face away toward the bedroom door. Although odd, the gesture felt significant—Elizabeth had rarely reached out to her for affection, not even for hugs. So, this simple touch, no matter how unconventional, felt like progress.

The next morning went smoothly, with everyone getting out the door without any rushing or yelling.

At work, June noticed that she was feeling a bit “speedy” and more engaged and outgoing in meetings than usual. It didn’t seem over the top, and no one appeared to react negatively to her behavior, but she could feel the internal pull toward intensity. She remained mindful of it, trying to keep it in check. When she realized she had been late in eating her breakfast, she quickly ate, walked around the house, and recentered herself.

June had a meeting scheduled with Solin at 1 p.m. She felt a strong urge to gush about all the positive changes she had experienced recently with herself and her family. However, what she really wanted help with was discerning what to do about her relationship with Donna. June still didn’t trust herself around Donna and wondered if she should cut ties completely or try to maintain a friendship. The question of whether Donna was a narcissist or simply a toxic person plagued her. June planned to show Solin some of her psychotic writings from 2018, especially the parts about Donna being a narcissist, which triggered her emotions just writing about it.

As the time for her meeting approached, June felt more of that overwhelming, speedy, dizzy sensation creeping in. She had written and researched so much in the past week, but it wasn’t organized enough to discuss everything. So, she picked two key issues to focus on and did some walking, stretching, and deep breathing to calm herself.

When the video call with Solin started, seeing Solin’s smiling face instantly calmed June. The strange, anxious energy she had been feeling dissipated quickly. June shared the email she had written to Donna, canceling their Wednesday dinners indefinitely. Solin complimented her on how well she handled it.

June felt both relieved and proud. Encouraged by the positive feedback, she decided to pull up some of her old writing from 2018, during what she referred to as her "psychotic break." She titled it “Goodbye Narcissist” and explained to Solin how confused she still felt about the concept of narcissism as it related to Donna.

June flipped through Google Docs' version history from back in 2018, trying to remember what she had been thinking when she wrote those words. Until this year, she had forgotten all about this entry.

Two days before her psychiatric stay, she’d written in her journal:

Saturday, July 14, 2018, 12:19PM: Initial entry

I’m saying good -bye to all the narcissists.  Donna definitely is one.  Hadrian has gotten some hard knocks, from me included, and I’m so sorry for him.  But, he’s not a narcissist.  I need to get away from Donna and start disengaging from her drama.  She’s manipulating me and I’m done.

She remembered making this entry, followed by a poem about a dream she had of a little vampire mouse. Her journal seemed conflicted at the time, as if she wasn’t quite ready to let Hadrian off the hook, even though she had written that "all the narcissists" included Donna. Later that day, she had a date with Hadrian, and she had journaled more, reminding herself to be kind and not gaslight him. She reaffirmed her love for him and acknowledged his support for the family.

June then came across another note to herself in the same entry, stating she had let Donna cross too many boundaries and needed to "break up" with her. She gave herself a cryptic warning: "Be careful on Sunday."

Sunday, July 15, 2018, 3:16PM: 6 edits

I’m saying good -bye to allonly one the narcissists.  Donna definitely is one.

By the next afternoon, the day she hit a wall and Hadrian finally realized she needed help, June’s writing reflected a more decisive tone. She seemed certain that Donna was the only narcissist in her life. She even edited that specific line to emphasize the point. But June had no memory of making this edit, her recollections of that day were blurry.

Monday, July 16, 2018: 5:55AM: 1 edit

I’m saying good -bye to only one narcissist.  Donna definitely is one.

The next morning, there was another edit, but June couldn’t figure out what it was, perhaps she just opened the document. It must have been one of the last things she did before Hadrian took her to the psychiatric hospital. But, then there was another entry after that, the day she got back from the hospital. She must have returned to her journal entries when she got back to make a final note about Donna not being a narcissist after all. She flipped to it and tried to explain that entry to Solin.

Friday, July 20, 2018: 4:27PM: Current Version

I’m saying good -bye to only one narcissist.  Donna definitely is not one.

“See, here I typed in that Donna was not a narcissist when I got out of the psych ward.” June said to Solin. “But if I flip back to the day I went into the psych ward, I was sure she was one!”

July 16, 2018: 5:55AM: 1 edit

I’m saying good -bye to only one narcissist.  Donna definitely is one.

June flipped back to the 20th again as if to demonstrate how her perspective had shifted back and forth.

July 20, 2018: 4:27PM: Current Version

I’m saying good -bye to only one narcissist.  Donna definitely is one.

Suddenly, June noticed something unsettling—the word "not" had disappeared from her most recent version. A wave of terror washed over her. Her lips went numb, her stomach churned, and she felt dizzy. Reality felt slippery and confusing. She didn’t want to panic in front of Solin, but the letters on the screen began to blur and swim. Desperately, June tried to hold on to something solid, mentally repeating: I am not bipolar, I am not crazy.

She didn’t want to be hallucinating, she must not be hallucinating! Had she accidentally clicked on the wrong entry again? There had to be a logical explanation.

I am not bipolar, I am not crazy.

June tried to mask her panic, switching between the entries in a frantic attempt to make sense of what she was seeing. Finally, she gave up, admitting, "Forget it, I’m getting confused." She quickly closed the document and stopped sharing her screen. Focusing on Solin’s calm face helped her ground herself. “It doesn’t really matter, does it? What matters is that, clearly, I was really confused back then.”

June hoped Solin couldn’t detect the underlying anxiety in her voice. She put on her calm, composed expression, hiding the terror that still bubbled beneath the surface. She wasn’t sure if she had been hallucinating just then, and she didn’t want to know. A memory flashed back to her suddenly, of her first lunch with Donna after leaving the hospital, when Donna had said she didn’t believe June was okay and accused her of pretending to be fine when she wasn’t. June had felt a strange pride at “fooling everyone,” if that’s truly what she’d done. She hid behind her peaceful smile and didn’t contradict Donna, even though she thought she was wrong.

June kept talking to Solin, calmly sharing her concerns that she had been spending a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to figure out if Donna was the villain and she the victim. Was Donna truly a narcissist? Was she toxic? Did June need to protect herself from her? Solin explained that many times, manipulation isn’t conscious—it’s a coping mechanism people develop to get their needs met. In fact, some manipulation is healthy and useful.

Solin encouraged June to consider that perhaps Donna’s behavior and manipulations simply aligned perfectly with June’s trauma triggers. She used a gesture of interlocking her fingers to demonstrate, which made sense to June and was comforting. Solin said that if Donna’s behavior triggered June, that was enough reason for June to protect herself. There was no need to label Donna as a narcissist—the fact that Donna’s behavior was triggering was sufficient.

Solin also commended June on the progress she had made, noting how she was rewiring her brain and changing behaviors. June said she felt like she had flipped up the hood of a car, dug down deep, and started ripping things out. No wonder she felt disoriented! Laughing, she considered that maybe Dr. Saeed wasn’t so off in saying that talk therapy could change brain structures. It certainly felt that way to her, like opening a portal into her psyche. And just as quickly as that portal opened, it seemed to close when she calmed and recentered herself.

After the meeting with Solin, she felt fully grounded, but in a tired, heavy way. The floaty, high, rushed feelings were gone, replaced with exhaustion and a terrible headache. Although she was crabby, she managed to push through and look on the bright side. She had a lot to do—picking up Elizabeth’s new PC at Best Buy, grabbing her prescription from Walgreens, getting the kids early to ensure Emily made it to rehearsals on time. Despite the exhaustion, she stayed patient and kind with the kids, which had been easier the past week but now felt more challenging. She could feel that the "portal" she’d mentioned before was closing, signaling a return to normalcy, and she accepted that.

After dinner, kids’ activities, and homework, she was supposed to do Emily’s hair but was too exhausted. She told Emily to shower while she took a nap. During her nap, she experienced some brief anxiety—heart pounding, dizziness, and strange flashes behind her eyes—but she used the countdown method, starting from 20, and calmed herself enough to fall asleep deeply for an hour. Her alarm woke her at 8 pm, but she was groggy and still too tired to manage Emily’s hair. She promised to do it in the morning instead.

Elizabeth had one remaining ALEKS topic to finish, something they’d agreed she could do before bed, but the internet settings Hadrian had put in place to block their devices made it difficult. Hadrian was tired and gruffly told Elizabeth that he wasn’t going to mess with the internet at that hour. She reminded him that she’d given Elizabeth permission to finish it, so he reluctantly spent a few minutes trying to fix the issue. When they couldn’t resolve it, she gently told Elizabeth she would have to finish it in the morning.

Trying to turn the moment into a positive lesson, she reassured Elizabeth that sometimes things don’t go as planned and that it’s important not to wait until the last minute to avoid delays. Elizabeth, though, began criticizing herself, saying she had no sense of urgency and was bad with time, adding that her dad often said this about her. She comforted Elizabeth by explaining that everyone is different, and while some people have a natural sense of time, others need tools to help, like calendars and alarms. There was no shame in that.

Feeling completely drained, she told Elizabeth she would tuck in Evelyn and Emily and then come say goodnight. Elizabeth said it wasn’t necessary and, for once, actually felt tired and headed to bed on her own.

She tucked in Evelyn and Emily, trying her best to remain patient through their bedtime rituals, even though her exhaustion was palpable. Fortunately, the girls seemed to sense her fatigue and wrapped things up quickly.

Finally, she went to bed, falling asleep so deeply and quickly that she didn’t even remember drifting off.

Half past midnight, June awoke to the sound of Evelyn crying in her room. She got up to see what was wrong and found her in pain, unable to straighten her leg without it locking up painfully. She was shaking, nauseous, and terrified that she'd be left behind when the family went on vacation, imagining they'd send her to Grandma’s while everyone else went without her. June reassured her that they would never do that, promising that they’d find a way to bring her along no matter what.

Evelyn needed to use the bathroom, but she couldn’t put any weight on her leg, so June ended up waking Hadrian to carry her to the bathroom. After trying a few more times to straighten her leg, it became clear it wasn’t going to happen. June gave her the Chromebook to watch a movie and distract her from the pain, telling her they’d go to urgent care first thing in the morning. It seemed like Evelyn didn’t sleep at all the rest of the night.

In the morning, Evelyn needed to use the bathroom again, but with Hadrian still at the gym and June under lifting restrictions from her recent hysterectomy, she had to be careful. She asked Elizabeth to help. Evelyn was hesitant at first, but eventually agreed to let her sister assist her. Elizabeth was gentle and considerate, letting Evelyn lean on her as she hopped to the bathroom. Watching the two sisters, after years of tension and animosity, share such a tender moment filled June with hope. She was carefully rebuilding trust between them.

June managed to book an 8:30am urgent care appointment and sent a message to her team at work to let them know she’d be out for the morning. She took a moment to feel grateful for the flexibility her job offered and for her decision to step back from a high-stress career in favor of a better work-life balance. Even though she was making less money, it was more than worth the tradeoff.

After helping Emily and Elizabeth get ready for school, June and Evelyn headed to the clinic. Evelyn still couldn’t put any weight on her leg, so she had to hop through the house with June’s support. On the way to the clinic, June was stopped at a light when the song “Toxic” by Britney Spears streamed. It wasn’t one of her songs, but one that the expired playlist’s algorithm chose to be the next song. Immediately, her mind went to Donna, and she felt a familiar wave of dizziness and unease. She noticed a sign taped to the back of the stoplight pole next to her asking if she’d found Jesus yet. She scoffed, and quickly changed the song to one of Evelyn’s choices, and the strange feelings subsided.

Arriving at the clinic, June parked as close as possible, but Evelyn’s hopping pace was slow. While they were resting, a kind woman driving by stopped and offered to help, even suggesting getting them a wheelchair from the clinic. Normally, June would have declined, but with her recent commitment to self-compassion, she accepted. The woman soon returned with a child-sized wheelchair, and both June and Evelyn were deeply touched by her kindness.

The urgent care visit went smoothly. After a quick check-in, the nurse and doctor saw them right away. Evelyn, who was tall for her age, but just shy of eight years old, weighed in at 110 pounds, which prompted June to make a mental note to focus more on healthier habits for her. The doctor couldn’t immediately identify anything wrong with Evelyn’s leg but ordered X-rays to be sure. The technician was kind and even let Evelyn see the images of her bones, which she found fascinating.

As they waited for the results, Evelyn mentioned how her brain was “so worried,” then remarked on how amazing it was that the brain could think about itself. Her deep thoughts amused June, who shared the moment on Facebook with a picture of Evelyn.

The X-rays came back showing nothing wrong, but the doctor seemed skeptical about the severity of Evelyn’s pain, asking her multiple times to straighten her leg and put weight on it. Evelyn winced with each attempt while the doctor’s expression remained skeptical. June’s protective instincts flared—she knew her daughter wasn’t faking the pain, even if the X-rays didn’t show anything. The doctor explained that the more Evelyn moved her leg, the faster it would heal, but also stressed the importance of not overdoing it. She offered to find pediatric crutches, which June gratefully accepted.

With the crutches, Evelyn quickly got the hang of walking around, and soon they were ready to leave. Evelyn was still worried about how she would manage on vacation, but June reassured her that they’d find a way, even if it meant scooting up the steps into the camper.

They got home just in time for June to make her 10:30am meeting, and she set Evelyn up in her room with a movie before heading downstairs to work. Despite the whirlwind of the morning, she felt a sense of accomplishment for handling everything with genuine patience and grace, not the facade of forced patience and grace she used as a facade in prior years.

June spent the rest of her day working in the basement office, taking only a short break to have lunch with Evelyn. She managed to finish everything she needed before her upcoming vacation and still leave by 3:00 p.m. to pick up Elizabeth and Emily at school, as she had promised. Feeling accomplished, she was ready for the rest of the day’s tasks.

After picking up the girls, they stopped at Walgreens to get an athletic bandage for Evelyn’s knee, hoping it would provide her with more support for walking. While they were there, they also picked up umbrellas and snacks for the road trip. June reminded them that the snacks they chose would be the only ones for the trip; no additional stops would be made for more snacks, to which the girls agreed. They also discussed getting fast food for dinner to make the evening easier, allowing them to focus on packing the camper.

Once they arrived home, June realized they had forgotten to pick up fast food. She asked the girls if they wanted to come along with her to grab some, but they all opted to stay home. Before leaving, June had a quick conversation with them about responsibilities. She told Elizabeth she was in charge of emergency communication, since her phone was the only fully active one, but she wasn’t responsible for Emily. June reminded the girls to be kind to each other, especially since Evelyn might need some extra help with her knee, and then she headed out.

June called Hadrian to see if he’d be home in time for dinner or if she should pick something up for him. He wouldn’t be back until later, so she took the opportunity to enjoy a few quiet moments alone in the car. Rather than listening to music, she embraced the peaceful silence.

Returning home with the food, everyone ate quickly, eager to start packing the camper. June did as much as she could without lifting anything heavy, mindful of her recovery from surgery. When the groceries Hadrian had ordered were delivered, she asked Elizabeth and Emily to help bring them to the camper while she put everything away. It was sleeting outside, and the girls excitedly used their new umbrellas while going back and forth between the front porch and the camper. Initially, June felt annoyed at how they brought the wet umbrellas inside, almost poking her in the face, but soon found herself smiling at their joyful energy. She appreciated how children can make even mundane tasks fun when allowed to be their playful selves.

Despite being careful, June started feeling achy in her lower stomach, a sign she might have overdone it. She gave herself permission to slow down, realizing there was no need to rush. They had gone camping many times before, and there was nothing to stress over. After packing her bag, she asked Hadrian to carry it out to the camper, which he gladly did. With everything finally done, June took a few minutes to lie down.

Later, she tucked Evelyn into bed. While Evelyn was in the middle of her nightly reflections, she fell asleep after sharing just her "rose" of the day. June watched her daughter sleep for a moment, feeling grateful but also recognizing how exhausting the day had been for both of them. With that, she went to bed herself and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

There is freedom within

There is freedom without

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There's a battle ahead

Many battles are lost

But you'll never see the end of the road

While you're travelling with me

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House